Wednesday, June 30, 2010

School for the Dead Tour Rider

There's been some talk lately about tour riders.  Steve Martin just "released" a joke version of his and the Smoking Gun website has riders for a huge selection of artists.  I figured that now was a good time to let y'all see what our rider looks like for a typical show.  Here it is below. 

School for the Dead Tour Rider

Food: One meal from the cheap-meals menu must be supplied to each band member at that band member’s expense. Meal must be delivered one minute before band is scheduled to perform, so that it sits cooling and drying for several hours until after the show, at which time the band will throw it away.

Dressing Room: A moldy basement, ill-lighted supply closet, or sticky area next to the stage must be provided for the band. All walls must be painted black. This area should be unusable due to all of the items stored there. Suggestions: stacked chairs, old beer kegs, broken neon signs.

Beverages: Venue must provide two beverages at a partially-discounted price to each band member. Beverages must be of the lowest quality possible. Bartender must not recognize drink tickets when presented.

Stage: Band requires a tiny section of floor barely visible from anywhere else in the room. Preferably there should be a floor-to-ceiling pole directly in front of this area. If possible, please make sure that there are dripping pipes above the stage and that the entire area is poorly lit.

Sound System / Engineer: When band enters venue, nobody who has any knowledge of the evening’s performance must be in attendance. Load in should be through a tiny kitchen door and up a steep set of stairs.

The stage area must have only one set of outlets. One of these outlets must be broken. There are, under no circumstances, to be extension cords in the venue.

Only one vocal microphone must be supplied for the four singers. This microphone must be taped to a broken and wobbly microphone stand. No clips can be present.

There is to be no soundperson, especially if one was promised. Please make sure the bartender leaves a few messages on the absent soundperson’s voice mail.

Bartender must have no knowledge of the sound system or where any of the switches are.

Promotion: Venue must not display any of the flyers sent by the band. The website must list a different band or a poker-night for the date of this show. In a perfect world, the bartender and any other staff should have no knowledge of this show ever being booked and preferably they should be a bit annoyed that the band is there in the first place.

Televisions: The music venue must have three or more large screen televisions mounted on walls. Various sports channels must be showing. The volume should be set at a level that competes with the band’s music. Preferably one of these TVs should be above and behind the band.

Merchandising: The venue must provide the band with a small chair or shaky table on which to display their merchandise. This unit must be placed in an unreachable and dark corner of the room. When asked for this, the staff must act as though they have never heard of such a thing.

Parking: There is to be no parking provided for the band.

Schedule: Under no circumstances should the pre-planned and agreed upon schedule of performances be acknowledged. Any bands performing before School for the Dead should take over half an hour to set up and break down. Their set should also be twice as long as promised. The friends of this band should all leave immediately when SFTD begins performing. If they do not leave, they must stand right up in the front with their backs to the band while yelling loudly to each other about how awesome their baseball caps are.
If possible, SFTD should be performing in a slot three or more hours later than was previously agreed upon. By the time they are finished, please make sure that the venue is empty and chairs are being stacked up on tables.

Post-show: After the performance, venue staff should not look the band in the eyes.

Police: Please arrange for the band to be pulled over and ticketed on their way out of your city.


F. Alex Johnson said...

Thank you. This made my day.

I would have also included something about the "street team" not getting the posters in time to put up and/or seeing said posters sitting behind the bar rolled up or worse, sticking out of the trash/recycling.

Great stuff, Hen.

brian said...

You know something, Boston seems to accommodate our rider just about every time. They are such sweethearts in that town.
(I think maybe you forgot this part: " will get pulled over, IF their car wasn't broken into and/or stolen during the show")

Rick M said...

Or, to elaborate on Alex's comment, "Street Team is not to post flyers provided, but should use blank reverse side of posters to advertise their own bands/gigs."