How To Have A Cheerful And Winning Personality

I'm hoping to start a series of How-To Guides about things which I know very little. Please keep the suggestions for topics coming.

Our first How-To request has come in. This one is from Shorthands, whose full request was: "How to Have As Cheerful and Winning a Personality as Henning Ohlenbusch". In the interest of all things modest, I will edit the topic slightly before I proceed.

How To Have A Cheerful and Winning Personality

Rule Number One: Sleep.
Contrary to what the corporate world, coffee companies, and your zany friends would like you to believe, a good night's sleep is of utmost importance in the pursuit of a Cheerful and Winning Personality (CAWP). Eight hours is the ideal, seven hours is acceptable. Anything less than that is a crime against humanity. You may as well set yourself on fire.

Rule Number Two: Calm Down.
It's a proven fact that 99.9% of stress-causing concerns are unfounded. Proven. Clarity of foresight and a big-picture mentality are crucial in the pursuit of a CAWP. (pronounced "cawp!".) Road rage, tantrums, fist-fights, frustration, flusteration, are all the result of tunnel vision and a small life view. Time whips by so fast, why deny it's power of absolution? Let your shoulders soften, take a deep breath and consider the enormity of the night sky. A CAWP cannot be achieved with clenched fists.

Rule Number Three: Consider Perspectives.
Everyone of us has senses that feed information into our gigantic brains. But as sure as Dick Van Dyke and Dom DeLouise have chins of opposition, our senses are unique to ourselves. Add onto those physical differences the multitudes of paths we've swam down in our pasts and it's pretty clear to see that most everybody sees the same situation in different ways. In fostering a CAWP, it is important to take into account the possibility that those you're speaking too or go-kart racing against might see things differently than you. Grab their skulls, cram your face into the back of their heads and peer at the world through their souloculars - if you will.

Rule Number Four: Savor Silence.
Learning to have discretion is imperative when developing a CAWP. Hold your tongue rather than point out error and you will find those around you drawn to your kind twinkling eyes. Be a bear and accentuate the positive, don't be a bear and dig ruthlessly into the bee hives of others' behavior. Nobody wants to be reminded of their short comings, there are enough reminders around already - thank you very much, mirrored sunglasses.

Rule Number Five: Be Polite, Dammit!
What ever happened to smiling? When did the sun go down on saying "please"? I for one am painting emoticons on carefully colored cardboard circles. These two-dimensional masks of expression will be securely glued onto the ends of free Home Depot paint stirrers. When I find it difficult to muster a polite smile, I'll hold one in front of my face. I've also recently commissioned the construction of a three foot by three foot neon sign that attaches, through the use of a long-lost hard hat, to my head and eagerly flashes "LOL" off and on. I'll be so polite, you'll want to rip your legs off and throw them in a river. :)