The Living Rockumentary

OK, this is an old Scallion but I'm just getting around to retyping some of the old ones as I peck away at some newer ideas. Enjoy...

Webster’s To Update Definition of Irony

--Springfield, MA—

Tuesday editors for Merriam-Webster announced that among the updates to the 2004 edition of Webster’s Dictionary, they will include new definitions for the word irony.

After extensive research into the citations gathered by editors for Merriam-Webster, it has been decided that due to the everyday usage of the word irony and its derivative ironic, the dictionary needs to be updated to cover its many meanings in modern English.

Previously, non-Socratic, non-dramatic irony had been defnied as “an incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.” However, research evidence has shown this definition can only lay claim to approxiamtely 10% of the contemporary usage of the word. Therefore, in order to cover the diverse new ways in which the word is used, no less than sixteen new definitions have been added.

The definition of irony will now include many new synonyms such as inconvenience (as in “the irony of rain on one’s wedding day”) or disappointment (as in “ironically meeting the potential mate of one’s dreams and then meeting their spouse”) as well as regret (as in “good advice that one ironically did not take”).

In addition to its many new synonyms, the word irony will also contain a bevy of new definitions such as an unfortunate event wherein fate has an unforeseen or undesirable outcome for a person; for example, an instance in which a convicted murderer receives a pardon minutes after having been executed. The most controversial new definition is a conundrum for academics to mull over: “an event entirely devoid of any irony whatsoever and therefore somehow ironic”, as in the example of “the irony of an insect being found in a glass of wine.”

Editors for Merriam-Webster are confident that with the addition of sixteen new definitions as well as a list of forty-seven applicable synonyms, they have successfully managed to update all the many ways in which English-speaking persons currently use the word irony but assure the public that, as language evolves, they shall constantly strive to reflect those changes in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Other considerations for updates slated for the 2004 edition include new multi-syllable pronunciations for the words please (p-lEz) and queer (k-wE-r).