My Performance On The American Music Awards

I watched the American Music Awards the other day. I didn't mean to, I just happened to see it there in the cable listings and when I turned it on it was all super hi-definition and sparkly and my eyes glued themselves to it like ants on a dropped lollipop. I pretty much watched the whole thing. I felt like I was in Vegas.

The performances were so packed full of stuff, it was like walking through a casino. There were colors and flashing lights and everything was IN-YOUR-FACE. I'm not sure, but I think most of the artists did little medleys of their current hits. It was one chorus after another surrounded by hundreds of crazy dancers. There was no breathing. There was no time for contemplation. It was ADDTV at its best.

Luckily there were commercials and I was able to mute the sound and think about the fact that my world of music was so different than the world that was on my screen. I created a fantasy in which I walked out onto that stage in between, say, the performances by Lady Gaga and Eminem, with my old red acoustic guitar and I stood there and sang Campground Daughter. There would be no flashing lights or screens, no dancers, no fire, explosions, or confetti. No screaming. It'd be just me with my warbly voice singing this little song.

What would the audience think? How would they react? Would they throw tomatoes at the old guy who didn't work-out for three hours a day. Would they storm the stage and try to put product in my hair? Would they sit and listen? Would they look around for somebody in charge to tell them how to react? Would they all start texting about the after party? What would happen? Would they all hush and tear up like they did when the cricket played its song in Times Square? Would Adam Lambert's eye-liner stream down his face? (Yes, I had to look up his name). Would people be able to last through an entire verse? Would I make it through the whole song without being pulled off the stage in exchange for a Taylor Swift PSP commercial? Would the whole event screech to a halt when everyone started realizing that, "hey, I'm not making any money out of this!"?

What do you think would have happened?