The Living Rockumentary

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General Teen Drug Use Down Yet Chronic Drug Use By Teens On Rise

WASHINGTON, D.C.- A new poll conducted throughout high schools across the country has yielded incongruous results that have baffled national education officials. The study results show that teenagers who were asked confidentially whether they “partake in the consumption of illicit THC-based chemicals,” of the participants surveyed, 92% answered 'no.' However, when those same students were asked whether they would consider themselves “chronic drug users,” an overwhelming 86% claimed affirmatively that they are.

These results have forced officials to launch an investigation into what substances the teens are abusing, if they are not taking part in the previously common practice of “pulmonary ingestion of fumes or vapors of combustible dried leaves and/or flowering tops of the pistillate plants of the Asian mulberry family.”

Dr. Stefan Larochelle, vice-president of The National Board Of Education, is stymied by the results. “On one hand, the kids claim to not be using derivatives of opiate narcotics or barbituric acid with any frequency and yet many claim to be ‘chronic drug users.’ If they are taking drugs regularly, which one or ones are they using?”

One of the teens who participated in the survey is equally stumped by the findings. Says a high school sophomore speaking on condition of anonymity, “I don’t know, dude. I ain’t never touched (reading phonetically from survey) ‘pa-silo-cy-bin’ (sic) or ‘ba-hang’ (sic). But yeah, I’m all about the chronic.”

In an effort to try to understand the results, some have claimed to have solved the conundrum simply be re-reading the teens’ responses. “If you read the wording closely,” explains Susan Shively, mother of two teenage daughters, “you’ll see the kids are just trying to tell us they’re ‘high on life’ and that they don’t need illegal drugs. My own daughter Shelly’s survey, which I snuck a peek at, says she gets through these tough days of adolescence through the simple joys of pure ‘ecstasy.’ That’s my girl!”

Further inquiries into the findings are being made as of press time.